Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
