Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
