First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
