You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
