He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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