I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
