What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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