even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
