Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
