Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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