Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
