Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
