Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You have to summon your inner elephant
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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