I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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