i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
