I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
