I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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