Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
