Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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