I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
