I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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