3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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