Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Too much gin, very little bucket
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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