So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
