Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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