Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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