im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
