Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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