Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
