This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
