If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
