I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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