Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
