We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
