I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You smell like stripper and shame
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
