At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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