tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
