A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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