Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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