Have you finally orgasmed yet?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
