i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize
