I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
