I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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