i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
