Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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