meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
