So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
