Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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