Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
