First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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