well I can't set my house on fire every night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Randomize
